Plastic Porkbone

The Day After Thanksgiving

It has been snowing all day today.  Really slowly, but enough to make me shovel my sidewalk.  I guess as a homeowner you're supposed to do that.  Unfortunately by Sunday it will all be gone, because it's supposed to rain.  RAIN, in Wisconsin, and it's practically December.  I don't know what this world is coming to.

Anyway, it's quite the perfect scene: It's the day after Thanksgiving, which for us is the official start of the Christmas season (not, as many people think, sometime around Halloween).  We have snow, Christmas music, and the Christmas decorations are already coming out.  In fact, one of our neighbors has decorated a giant tree in their yard with Christmas lights.  Alison has no idea what is going on, although she does seem quite interested in the snow itself. 

In a related story, here's how other people choose to spend their day after Thanksgiving:

Here's one story...
Here's another (from my home state, even)

"Some early birds were not early enough, and some violence was reported at some stores. Eugene Armstrong, who arrived at a Wal-Mart in Union City, Georgia, around 6:20 a.m. to find its supply of $399 laptops already gone, said he left in disgust after two customers started fighting in the electronics department."

Fucking idiots.

You couldn't pay me enough money to go stand in line at any store (especially Wal-Mart) the day after Thanksgiving.  It's insanity, and it's a total waste of time.  In fact, I wish more people would get trampled doing this, because it would help thin the herd.  Why don't these people just go home and watch NASCAR?

Still alive

First, I just want to say to the asshole I saw driving down the road today with the big sticker in his back window that said, "Give War a Chance" - you are a dick.

Now that I got that out of the way, I should say I am avoiding my wasp problem.  Actually, I heard some nerdy bug-expert on NPR (where else?) talking about bees and wasps.  He said in Minnesota, it gets so cold that all the wasps will die except the "new" queen.  And she takes off (hoser!) anyway.  So he said "wait for a couple of hard frosts and they will all be dead."

At that time, I will take styro's advice and put some mesh over the attic vent so next year they will stay out.  Bastards!

While we're on the subject, here's a cool website if you love/hate/are afraid of bugs.  Enjoy!

http://www.whatsthatbug.com/index.html

Netflix Sucker

I am the reason Netflix is a profitable company.  I literally have had the same 3 Netflix movies in my house for the last 3 months.  I know, it's a shame.  It goes against everything any respectable Netflix member stands for.  I just paid like $60 to rent 3 movies, and that's not very economical.  But then again, when do I have time to watch movies?

So today I decided that I have to start making up for lost time.  I'm not going to tell you what I'm doing, but it involves DVDs and my computer.  And a couple pieces of software.  And a DVD burner.

And I just finished the new Harry Potter book.  Oh shit, I need to start packing again!

Unpatriotic Blasphemy

BLASPHEMY!

OH NO!  How could I?  On the Fourth of July?  It's unbelievable!  Oh, if Hell is under the control of the U.S.A., I will surely burn in it.
________________

Just to add fuel to my own fire, here's a little story:

When I was in high school, in Art class, we had an "art contest."  The contest was to create a patriotic work of art for some nationwide contest.  The winner got to join the Army or get a medal from the president or something.  Whatever.  Anyway, the only rule was your artwork needed to somehow incorporate the U.S. flag.

My entry:

A dark, evening scene.  In the distance, there is a silhouette of a large man hanging from a tree.  Standing around the hanging man are several figures dressed in white robes and pointed hoods.  The entire scene is surrounded by flames, and when you look at the edges of the picture you notice it is actually the U.S. flag burning.

Needless to say, I didn't win the contest.
________________

It's not that I don't enjoy living where I live.  I enjoy the opportunity I have to raise a family, buy a house, earn a livelihood, etc.  But at the same time I have always been embarrassed by the government under which I live.  Our country is built on a foundation of lies and double standards.  Slavery and Indian reservations.  Corruption and arrogance.  Sure, most countries have a shady past -- I just choose not to celebrate ours.

Even today, we have a government that spends it's time arguing over a feeding tube for one woman who has been on life support for 15 years, but can't raise the minimum wage or fund education.  We attack other countries because of an ideology but can't put together a health care plan for our own people. 

So at the end of the day, I always feel somewhat conflicted on the Fourth.  I like fireworks, you know, because they explode and they look really cool... I like hot dogs and barbecue and beer, too.  It's just the patriotism I can't stand.  I have never been patriotic, and I doubt I ever will be.  I will never eat "Freedom Fries," and I really don't care about the revolutionary war. 

"But dude!  We would all be talking British and we would have the Queen on our money!"

Bottom line: so what?  However, I do appreciate the day off from work.  I'll take it.

Car Seat Dragster

Sometimes I briefly turn into a 16 year old.  Usually I am a regular person, with a regular life, a job, a wife, and a baby.  But every once in a while I turn into a 16 year-old kid.  See, I drive a bright yellow sports car that goes really fast.  And the other day I was at a stoplight, and a couple teenagers pulled up in a piece of crap rustbucket and started revving their engine.

If you like cars, you know the type of car I'm talking about - they took a piece of junk and put a giant wing on the back to make it look fast.  But under the wing, the car is still junk?  Yeah, one of these.

Anyway, the light turns green, and I can't control myself.  I drop the clutch and leave rubber on the pavement.  This leaves the high school kids in the dust, wishing they had my car.  WOO!  How childish!  I admit I'm embarrassed each time it happens, but still pleased at the same time.  I feel like the greatest actor in the universe, Vin Diesel.

This happened just the other day, and I had to laugh.  Because after I won my little impromptu street race, I turned left into the grocery store.  I was going to pick up a prescription for my wife, and had to stop on the way home for it.  As I was turning left into the parking lot the kids sped past, it occurred to me: I have an infant carseat in the back.  Oh, I wonder if they saw it!

Magnets!

I can't let this shit go.  As humans, did we just recently realize that cars are made of metal?  Why is it that suddenly we feel the need to slap magnets all over them?  Are we all morons?

Oh wait, not all of us.

I can't wait for the "Support my gas guzzling SUV" or  "Support your local Wal-Mart" or even better yet "I love NASCAR!" ribbons.  They are coming, I feel it.

Crazy Neighbor

So last night (actually, early this morning at about 4:30am) someone started ringing our doorbell like crazy.  In a daze, my wife answered the door (in retrospect, WTF was she thinking?).  It was a woman from next door, in a panic because there was an emergency and she needed to use our phone.

By this time, I am now awake, and there is a hysterical, crying woman in my living room.  She has called 911 and is saying that her sister (who, incidentally, also lives next door) is overdosing on pills.  Apparently she had thrown her phone at this woman and it broke.  So this person finishes her frantic call and leaves, and we go back to sleep.

It's amazing the shit you can experience, then go right back to sleep when you have a newborn in the house.

Again, in retrospect, lessons learned:

#1 - When the doorbell starts ringing like crazy at 4:30am, don't answer it. 
#2 - If you are too sleepy to remember lesson #1 and you do answer the door, don't allow the crazy person in your house.
#3 - If you are so sleepy that you somehow forget both lessons #1 and #2, you better hope it's not an axe murderer at your door.

Got it?  Alrighty then!

Trendy Awareness

Maybe it's true... maybe all I ever do is rant about stuff.  However, sometimes I feel like I am -- to quote my favorite doctor, Dr. Evil -- "surrounded by frickin' idiots!"  What annoys me today?  What's the bandwagon of the year?  In 2001, it was "9/11 - United We Stand."  In 2002-03, it was anything with the American Flag on it.  Now, it's advertising your favorite charity/cause on your car/wrist!  

To those of you who do not live in the Midwest: are these stupid ass car magnet ribbon stickers becoming a problem where you live?  First it was a yellow ribbon for "support our troops."  (Of course, for most that was just a "Bush/Cheney" sticker in disguise).  Then you had the half yellow, half red/white/blue flag ribbon.  Sort of the "I support our troops, but I also love the good old U.S.A.!"  Then we had the black POW/MIA ribbons.  Now it has gone too far.

Today I saw for the first time the puzzle-patterened Autism Awareness ribbon, and the silver diabetes awareness ribbon with the drop of blood on it.  I have also seen "ADHD Awareness" "Support your Animal Shelter" and "Firefighter Survivor" ribbons, just to name a few. 

What bothers me about all this is that most people buy these things not because they want to donate to any particular charity, but because they feel they need to.  Because it's fucking trendy.  They feel like since everyone else has a stupid magnetic ribbon on their car (or five!) that they need to have one too.

I apologize if anyone reading this has these things on their car.  But really, if you want to donate money to a charity, just do it!  Don't pay $3 for a magnet to slap on your car, since most of the money you pay probably goes to pay for manufacturing the magnet itself and (god forbid) profit for the retailer that sold you the magnet!  Instead, send three dollars to your favorite charity!  Better yet, send $10!

Another recent FAD in trendy philanthropism started with the Lance Armstrong "live strong" bracelet.  They started selling them for a dollar apiece, hoping to raise a few bucks for cancer research.  Good for them!  However, pretty soon, every disease has it's own stupid ass bracelet!  For a while, I felt like an asshole at my work because I wasn't wearing one!  Look at me!  I don't "support" anything!!  I am NOT aware of any diseases!!

But if you look at the back of my Honda, you will see that I am "aware" of the Pixies.  They are a great band.  I am also "aware" of my local radio station, The Current, which kicks ass.  Good for me!
 

Yakamoto - Master of the Obvious

<Rant>

Why do people tell you shit that is obvious? 

Example #1 - Two years ago we moved from Colorado to Wisconsin.  For the first several months, all anyone could say to me was, "Dood!  Wait until winter time!  It gets really cold here... I mean REALLY cold!!"

My response:  No shit, the upper Midwest is cold in the winter??  I'd better buy a fucking jacket!

Example #2 - I just had a baby.  Several weeks before the baby came, all anyone could say to me was, "Dood!  Get your sleep while you can... you won't get ANY sleep with that new baby!!"

My response: No shit, babies wake up at night???  What was I thinking??  Thank you, O master of the obvious for enlightening me!

</Rant>

Sorry, I'm done now.  And yes, there will be more baby pictures tomorrow.

Spammer Bastards

Some while back, I ended up on some spammers mailing list.  So what, right?  Well, generally I have been pretty good at blocking spammers, usually with cunning use of Outlook rules and bogus email addresses.  However, spammers are getting shadier these days. 

This is my new favorite: The subject line is always purposely misspelled, and you can see in the body they have added apostrophes and numbers in key places to keep your rules from catching words like "viagra" and "prescription."  Messages like this make no mistake about it - they are trying to prevent being "caught" by anti-spam software and yet they still poke through and try to sell you crap.

Check out this message:

Sa		p To 80		OF		R'eta		il Pri	ces With ED-D
	ve U		%		F					r'ugs!

V'I		RA, C'I		S, LE		RA,    U'L		AM	,  S'O
	AG		ALI		VIT		TR			MA

Cl4ick her7e - no precr7iption requir8ed!

Then, later in the message, there is always a piece of literature.  This is the part I don't understand.  Here is the passage from this particular piece of spam:

This made her leap to the floor. Who said I wasnt getting up? she
shows the liberality of the age; this proves, if anything can, that
Consigned to which, and to a speedy end for mental torture is not

WTF?

Every message has a few lines like this.  This one happens to be from Peter Pan.  Is this some sort of retarded mystery?  If I buy V'iagra from your fucking website can I get the rest of the book?  Anyway, just a reminder to the 0.25% of people out there who buy shit from spammers: STOP IT!  It is your fault that we get these emails!

UPDATE 3:10pm:

Got another one.  The text today is from Aristotle.  I did a trace on the email and it turns out it is originating from Portugal.  Now I just need to figure out how to block it...