Plastic Porkbone

Weather Post of Doom

Hello, forest.

This post is dedicated to everyone who thinks Minnesota and Wisconsin are always covered in snow.  These people should really take a few days and come visit the lovely Midwest.  And these people would be doing themselves a favor if they brought a pair of shorts.  Actually, forget that.  If you're visiting the Midwest any time soon, just book a hotel room with a good air conditioner and never leave it.  Because here's the weather report for this week:

This brings me to a new weather-related pet peeve of mine.  People who mock the saying, "It's a dry heat."  Let me tell you something:  I've spent time in Phoenix, and the central valley in California.  I've been in 120-degree heat, and I've sat in cars with no air conditioning, and hot, dark blue vinyl seats in 115 degrees.  It's hot as shit, yes.  But it's a dry heat.

Now here's where the people, (the people I hate) will laugh.  They will laugh and say, "Ho ho, a dry heat!  Har Har!"  And to this I say yes, asshole.  Dry.  Because there's a huge difference between 115 degrees and no humidity, and 98 degrees and 80% humidity... mainly the fact that in a "dry heat" you feel very "hot" - but in a "soggy heat" you feel like you want to "die."

The other morning I was quite disoriented.  I walked out of the house, I suppose at about 5:45am, and it was over 80 degrees.  The dewpoint was about 75, which meant that when I walked out the door it felt as if someone was squeezing a wet washtowel in my face.  It was gross.  I scrambled to my car and turned on the air conditioning, and thought to myself how unnatural it seemed to be this hot and wet in the early morning.

THERE IS A REASON I DON'T LIVE IN FLORIDA!  (and it's not the 'gators)

Anyway, as I write this, it's 11:00pm and 90 degrees outside.  My yard is turning into a jungle, except for my front lawn which is dead.  Perhaps the most amazing thing is that in five months, it may be 20 degrees below zero outside, and my jungle plants will be frozen solid.  Wow, you've got to love the Midwest.

Coen Brothers Moment

Today I went to the grocery store.  I didn't have any groceries to buy, all I needed was some diapers.  As I walked through the store with a bag of Huggies under my arm, all I could think of was the following line:

"I'll be taking these Huggies, and whatever cash you got."

Back From the Dead

I have been off this blog so long some people have wondered if I am still alive.  First I will say that no, I have not figured out how to blog from the afterlife, which means that by default yes, I am still alive.  That having been said I would like to make it clear that when I do pass on, I would like to be driven to my funeral in this:

Let's see... what's new?

Well, I'm still autocrossing every couple weeks.  This is my hobby which involves driving really fast in parking lots.  My daughter is almost 15 months old, and she still can't talk or walk.  But she can perform complex mathematics and fix that rattle you've got coming from the engine in your Honda.  So in some ways she is quite advanced, but in other ways she's more like a mime that crawls everywhere.

I'm still working, lately more than ever.  I'm also still in school, however I only have three more classes until I finish my degree.  Actually, I already have a 2-year degree, and I was about 3 credits short of another 2-year degree before that.  Despite what you may think, they won't let you put your two 2-year degrees together and trade them in for a 4-year degree.  Conspiracy.

Um, I think I have written enough for now.  Since I haven't posted in so long, I doubt anyone will notice this one.  In fact, perhaps I should have titled this post: "Tree Falls in Forest, Nobody is There to Hear It."  But wipe that thought out of your mind right now... fuck what you've heard, that tree still makes a sound.  That, I can assure you.