Plastic Porkbone

You know, that update you've been waiting two months for

A few thoughts.

Thought #1:
Every Friday our garbage can is emptied.  This Friday afternoon, I noticed it was mostly empty, but it had a small baggie in it.  Someone, who had presumably been walking their dog, had scooped their dog poop and tossed their dog poop baggie in our trash can.  I don't know why, but this irritated me.  That's MY trashcan.  Who gave you (unnamed dog walker) the authorization to put your dog excrement in my trash can?  Lets agree to keep our trash separate, please.

Thought #2:
Our house makes very unusual sounds when it's cold and windy.  Currently it is 5 degrees below zero, the wind is blowing like crazy, and the wind chill is around -30.  I can't explain what the house sounds like, but if I didn't know better I would tell you that there is a blind person upstairs walking in his sleep, bumping into shit and dropping stuff.  Oh, and he has a pet robot who makes funny vibrating sounds.

Thought #3:
My daughter has become exactly as goofy as I expected she would be.  She says and does very unusual things, which is to be expected when you consider who her parents are.  She dances to the sound of the coffee grinder, purposely mispronounces words in order to make you laugh, and displays obsessive-compulsive personality traits such as excessive arranging and toy washing.  She also:

1) has a toy dog who for some unknown reason says "Whassup" to the other toys (to which the only logical response is "whassup, dog?")
2) uses the word "capable" in a sentence
3) does several "voices" for her toys, including a mean Eyeore impression and a very unusual voice that sounds like Cartman from South Park.
4) counts to 39 and can write her name

So anyway, she is on pace to be made fun of in school, and also be one of the smartest kids in class.  Gee, why does that sound familiar?

Thought #4
Barack Obama is the man.  Yes, I would vote for Hillary if she were the nominee, but as far as I'm concerned Barack Obama is the clear choice for democrats.  The reason I say this is because I know so many republicans who already HATE Hillary Clinton.  If there is one thing that will make Republicans rise up and unite, it would be to beat Hillary.  So if you are a democrat, and you really want to win in November, support Obama!

New baby!

There's a new baby in the family...

More info can be found HERE!

Pictures can be found HERE!

Back to School, again

Alternate title: "Lifetime Student?"

When I was a kid, I had a button that said "No Condo, No MBA, No BMW."  I don't know if it was originally my parents' button, or if I had picked it out myself.  I can assure you that I didn't really know what it meant, only that most adults who saw the button reacted positively.  Suffice it to say, most of the adults I came into contact with were not yuppies, the group the joke was obviously poking fun at.

Well, here we are 20 years later, and I'm one step closer to becoming "the guy" the button was making fun of.  Next week I return to school for the third time in seven years... this time I am enrolled in the Master of Business Administration in Technology Management program, again at the University of Phoenix online.  Yes, that's an MBA program.

In two years, after I earn the MBA, I guess I'll buy that BMW.  But I'll pass on the condo, I prefer my single family home, thank you.

The Place Blogs Go To Die

I remember reading somewhere that 142% of all blogs end up going stale, shriveling up, and dying eventually.  This despite the fact that everyone and their brother feels like they have enough worthwhile shit to say to start a blog.  I guess you could say this turns me into a statistic; I, like most people, started a blog and failed to keep it up to date.

It's not that things stopped happening in my life, it's just that I no longer found the time to write about it.  To a great extent, most of the exciting things in my life have been posted on my wife's blog.  Other stuff has been happening though, I guess... I finished school  again (temporarily) by earning my BS from University of Phoenix.  I continue to work full time as an IT manager, and I continue to race my car in parking lots on the weekends:

I realized today that my daughter now speaks like a caveman.  Except, a caveman that says funny things like "Ali put fishbowl on head!"  This is highly entertaining.  To make matters more interesting, we (my wife, actually) are pregnant again, which is a joyous thing.  After the second child is born, I'm sure I will have even more time to write.  Oh wait, reverse that.

In closing, this may be the revival of my dying blog, or it could be the last post for another year.  Either way, if you really want to know what's happening in my life, with any expectation of regular updates, once again I will direct you to my wife's blog.  Really, go there. 

Baby From Hell

 

My daughter has taken to reading "big kids" books.  Most recently she has been checking out The Big Book of Hell, which is a good read.  She also enjoys Shakespeare, some Sci-Fi/Cyberpunk fiction, as well as just about anything else she can pull off the shelf.

She also had a map of Chicago laying out on the floor the other day.  Not sure what she's planning, but I hope it's not a terrorist act.

Finally, below you see Alison reaching for a copy of "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" by Al Franken.  Wise choice, I must say.  Wise choice.

The End of All Things

I regret to inform you that this country is filled with a bunch of heartless bastards.  If you remember, over a year ago I created a post called Trendy Awareness, which accused everyone of pretending to support things by putting magnets on their cars, or by wearing plastic bracelets.  This caused quite a ruckus, and people explained that no, it wasn't just a trend, this is how we are showing our support for things.

What I'm referring to are such things as yellow magnetic ribbons and little latex bracelets (the trend begun by Lance Armstrong), claiming support for every cause under the sun.  15 months later, here is my rebuttle.

APPARENTLY NOBODY CARES ANYMORE.  Yes, news flash... spend any time on the freeway these days and you will realize we have a serious problem here in this country.  Put simply, people have become heartless bastards.  The number of "Support our Troops" ribbons sighted on automobiles is at a record low, as are "Support your local Firefighter", "Diabetes Awareness" and "Autism Awareness" magnets.  In fact, in an unscientific survey conducted by me, yesterday, I counted only one person in my 3 hours of freeway driving who still cares about the troops. 

Worse yet, apparently most people have stopped caring about cancer as well.  A year ago I knew at least 10 people who regularly showed support for cancer research by wearing "LiveSTRONG" bracelets.  Sadly, I have seen ZERO LiveSTRONG bracelets in the past several months.  Apparently people are no longer concerned about finding a cure!

This is a horrible trend in this country!  People no longer support finding cures for terrible diseases, and they don't care about our troops overseas! 

That is... unless I was right all along... that these magnets and bracelets (made in China) were simply a FAD, expolited by all the companies and retailers involved in the distribution chain to make huge sums of MONEY.  In the end, you know I'm right... and you knew I was right 15 months ago. 

Just like I was right about the Atkins diet, you fat, carbohydrate eating bastards!

Death Metal SpongeBob

This is the funniest thing I have seen on YouTube yet:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-NQI3BSVOKM

Covert Recycling

I get annoyed by things. 

One thing I get annoyed by, are shopping bags.  Everyone always asks you if you want paper or plastic.  For a while I was using canvas bags, so I could avoid the question altogether, but I would always forget to bring them to the store.  Now, I generally go with paper, because they are easier to recycle... in theory.  But the problem is, I end up with a million paper bags at home.  I try to remember to bring them with me, but I can't remember every single time.

So now I have taken up a new hobby I like to call "covert recycling."  This is where I go to the store with about 25 paper bags.  I bag my groceries in about 5 or 6 bags, then I place all the other bags on the shelf where the "new" bags are.  Even though it is a perfectly fine thing to do, I always feel a little sneaky every time I do it.  But when I get home, that's 20 less paper bags in my closet!

Oh, and another thing I get annoyed by?  People who drive their cars on the freeway with their FOOT out the window.  "Oh, hey!  Look how relaxed that guy is - he's leaned back and is sticking is foot out the window!  While he's driving!"  Personally, I think that guy's an idiot.  And to prove it, one of these days I'm going to swerve into his lane and hit my brakes.  I'd like to see how fast his reaction times are with his left leg out the damned car window.

Holy Shit

So, this weekend there's this concert going on in St. Paul.  It's called Sounds of the Underground, and includes the following bands: AS I LAY DYING, IN FLAMES, TRIVIUM, CANNIBAL CORPSE, GWAR, BEHEMOTH, and many others. 



In the same convention center, literally in the same building, is this event: http://www.christianfair.com/


I was thinking about going to the concert, but unfortunately it looks like I won't be able to.  It's too bad, really, it would be worth it just to see the clash between the Christian Community Fair-goers and the satanic metalheads!

Weather Post of Doom

Hello, forest.

This post is dedicated to everyone who thinks Minnesota and Wisconsin are always covered in snow.  These people should really take a few days and come visit the lovely Midwest.  And these people would be doing themselves a favor if they brought a pair of shorts.  Actually, forget that.  If you're visiting the Midwest any time soon, just book a hotel room with a good air conditioner and never leave it.  Because here's the weather report for this week:

This brings me to a new weather-related pet peeve of mine.  People who mock the saying, "It's a dry heat."  Let me tell you something:  I've spent time in Phoenix, and the central valley in California.  I've been in 120-degree heat, and I've sat in cars with no air conditioning, and hot, dark blue vinyl seats in 115 degrees.  It's hot as shit, yes.  But it's a dry heat.

Now here's where the people, (the people I hate) will laugh.  They will laugh and say, "Ho ho, a dry heat!  Har Har!"  And to this I say yes, asshole.  Dry.  Because there's a huge difference between 115 degrees and no humidity, and 98 degrees and 80% humidity... mainly the fact that in a "dry heat" you feel very "hot" - but in a "soggy heat" you feel like you want to "die."

The other morning I was quite disoriented.  I walked out of the house, I suppose at about 5:45am, and it was over 80 degrees.  The dewpoint was about 75, which meant that when I walked out the door it felt as if someone was squeezing a wet washtowel in my face.  It was gross.  I scrambled to my car and turned on the air conditioning, and thought to myself how unnatural it seemed to be this hot and wet in the early morning.

THERE IS A REASON I DON'T LIVE IN FLORIDA!  (and it's not the 'gators)

Anyway, as I write this, it's 11:00pm and 90 degrees outside.  My yard is turning into a jungle, except for my front lawn which is dead.  Perhaps the most amazing thing is that in five months, it may be 20 degrees below zero outside, and my jungle plants will be frozen solid.  Wow, you've got to love the Midwest.